Memorial website in the memory of your loved one
This memorial website was created in the memory of our loved one, Mark Bonilla who was born in California on January 27, 1956 and passed away on May 04, 2007 at the age of 51.He will be forever Loved and NEVER forgotten.(My Soul Mate)    MY LIGHT WENT OUT MAY 4th,2007..Pam Bonilla (Wife)










By Father Ron Rolheiser, OMI
July 17, 2005

Every year I write a column on suicide because, among all forms of death,
it's still the one we struggle with the most. How can suicide happen? What
a person take his or her own life?

Suicide, no doubt, is the most misunderstood of all deaths and leaves behind
a residue of questions, guilt, anger, second-guessing, and anxiety which, at
least initially, is almost impossible to digest. Even though we know better,
we're still haunted by the feeling that suicide is the ultimate act of
despair, a deed that somehow puts one outside the family of humanity, the
mercy of
God, and (in the past) the church's burial grounds.

When someone close to us commits suicide we feel both pain and shame. That's
why suicides are often not reported publicly. An obituary is more likely to
say that this person "died suddenly", without specifying the cause of death.
This reticence to admit how our loved one died speaks deeply about both the
and shame that we are left with after the suicide of a loved one.

To lose a loved one to death is painful, to lose a loved one to suicide is
also disorienting.

What needs to be said about suicide? A number of things need to be
re-iterated over and over again:

First, that suicide, at least in most cases, is a sickness, a disease, a
terminal illness that takes a person out of life, as does any terminal
against his or her will. In essence, suicide is death through emotional
emotional heart attack, emotional stroke.

That's why it's apt to say that someone is "a victim of suicide". Suicide
is a desperate, if misguided, attempt to end unendurable pain at any cost,
to throwing oneself through a window and falling to one's death because one's

clothing is on fire.

Suicide is an illness, not a sin.

Next, those left behind when a loved one commits suicide should not unduly
second-guess themselves, anxiously examining over and over again what they
have done differently, why they weren't more present, or how they somehow
failed the one who committed suicide.

Part of the anatomy of the disease is precisely the pathology of distancing
oneself from one's loved ones so that they cannot be present to the illness.

When a loved one commits suicide we can't help but ask ourselves: "If only I
had been there! Why was I absent just on that morning?" But we weren't there
precisely because the person committing suicide did not what us to be there
picked the moment, the venue, and the means precisely with that in mind.

Besides, we're human beings, not God. People die from accidents and
illnesses every day and all the love and attentiveness in the world sometimes
not prevent someone we love from dying. Suicide is a sickness and, like
cancer, sometimes cannot be cured by any amount of love and care. Knowing
isn't an excuse to rationalize our failures, but it can give us some
in knowing that it wasn't our neglect or inattentiveness on a given day that
led someone we love to suicide.

Finally, we should not have undue worry and anxiety over the eternal fate of
our loved ones who commit suicide. Why not?

First, in most cases, as we know, suicide victims have cancerous problems
precisely because they are over-sensitive, wounded, too- bruised to be
and too raw to have the normal resiliency needed to deal with life.

Their problem is not one of pride and strength, but rather of shame and
weakness. What drives them to do this act is not the arrogance of a Hitler,
but the
weakness of an illness.

That's why we can make a distinction between "falling victim to suicide" and
"killing oneself". The former is done out of illness, the latter is done out
of pride. On the surface they might look the same, but there's an infinite
moral distance between being too bruised to continue to touch life and being
arrogant to continue to take one's place within it.

And God, more than anyone else, understands this. God's understanding and
compassion are much deeper than ours and God's hands are infinitely gentler
our own.

If we, in our imperfect love and limited understanding, have some grasp of
this, shouldn't we be trusting that God, who is perfect love and
is up to the task and that our loved ones are safe in God's hands and God's

Any faith that connects itself to a God worth believing in doesn't have undue

anxiety as to what will happen when God, finally, face to face, meets a
bruised, gentle, over-sensitive, wounded, ill, struggling soul.

Indeed, we have many scriptural references as to what happens, namely, God,
who can descend into any hell we can create, goes straight through our locked

doors, enters into the hell of our paranoia, illness, and fear, and gently
breathes out peace.







Once in awhile something happens

that turns you around completely

and brings you face to face with grief again.

In spite of how much you've grown

you find yourself back to square one.

You wonder if you have the strength

to go through it again.

Your only choice

is to live with it

or die.

You begin again.* *

Author Unknown
By Tina Dore
Written 12/12/05

We are the survivors that is all we know
We must stand together and not alone

We must carry on our loved ones name
We must not sit back and take the blame

We can not blame ourselves for the choice they made
Although we wish they would have stayed

Life is full of pain and suffering by far
We can only imagine their anguish who they thought they are

They couldn't see the love and a better way
They felt they needed to end their life this way

They needed to take control of their painful life
They needed to feel peace wanted to get rid of all the strife

So now we are here left to grieve
Left to feel only what we believe

So many questions that will remain unanswered to us
The only thing we can do with others is discuss

Discuss the sadness, the pain and the fears
We cling to each other and dry each others tears

So we are now the survivors a new groups of friends
We are the survivors we didn't ask to set these trends

We are the survivors and must learn to carry on
We are the survivors we each need to depend on

Our lives have been forever changed
Our time with our loved one has been shortchanged

So take this message and know in your heart
That your loved one is angel and has made a new peaceful start

Forever love them and speak of them with tears of joy
Save on to your precious memories it's those you must enjoy

And with these words that I write
Know there is a survivor thinking of you tonight!
Tributes and Condolences
The Creator Led You Home   / Lisa Mushall (Friends Connected By Angels )
The Creator led you home But you left some things behind Treasured gifts beyond compare Those of a special kind You left behind your gift of love You gave so faithfully You left behind the ones you loved so much Many cherished memories It broke our h...  Continue >>
I only know you through Pam   / Phyllis Redman (none but friend to Pam )
Hello Mark, I only know you through Pam, who I consider to be a great friend even though we have only recently become friends. I feel honored that Pam has spoken to me about you and really wish that I could have known you. The sorrow at your leavi...  Continue >>
Happy Easter Mark   / Nicholas' Mama, Lisa (Friends connected by Angels )
Boozhoo Mark, You are invited you to join Nicholas at an Easter feast I am preparing for the both of you meet Nicholas at sundown in heaven. Nicholas’ Mama, Lisa
Happy Valentines Day Mark   / Nicholas' Mama, Lisa
Aanii Pam, I pray that Mark will send you a Valentine from heaven, Nicholas’ Mama, Lisa
The Dance   / Susan McTier (friend of Pam's )
Pam, this is my favorite song.  I think of it often regarding you and Mark as well as me and Tony.  I modified it a bit for us.  Keep dancing, my friend..

The Dance<...  Continue >>
My sympathies...  / Patricia Dufour (visitor)    Read >>
Waiting Wondering and Wishing  / Pam Bonilla (Wife)    Read >>
It wasn't my intention  / Pam Bonilla (Wife)    Read >>
I miss my Friend  / Pam Bonilla (Wife)    Read >>
Blessed / Pamela (wife)    Read >>
Song / Pamela Bonilla (Wife)    Read >>
Thank You Dianna  / Pamela Bonilla (wife)    Read >>
Remember Me  / Dianna Petry (Friend of family )    Read >>
More tributes and condolences...
Click here to pay tribute or offer your condolences
His legacy
I Love you Mark  
Honey you could of gotten well,I stood beside you,I loved you so.
I felt so helpless baby,I thought Alcohol was the enemy.
I did not know you were so depressed.
Why didnt you let me know? Why? 
I would of handcuffed you to my leg if I had to,until you could get back into 
treatment.You had 14 days you had to be clean before you could go into Renaud's place.
You Loved God Mark and all things are possible threw God.
I am crying today as I do everyday but more so today,because you felt so much pain you had to escape it!
I wish you would of shared that with me,when we talked that morning.
I wish I could turn back time.
Mark I love you so much.
My heart hurts so bad ,I always told you get clean that was the best thing you could give your loved one's.
I have to admit I have been angry at God,because he could have stopped this and all the Pain that has come with it.
But we live in a broken world and God gives of choices.
I know all the pain you felt is now gone and you are with God.
But it is us left behind that hurt so bad for your presence.
I know I wasn't ready to lose you.
I hold so dearly everything we shared Good and bad.
I am forever a changed person.
I know I will never get over this.
I wanted to join you ,so that I could be with you right away!
I did'nt want to go threw the rest of my life without you.
But a friend said,Why? Do you want your loved ones to feel the Pain you are now feeling? Because that is what would happen.
I ask all people who read this and you feel like your troubles are beyond repair. Get help! Get help and talk,talk!!. Go to a hospital,call your local suicide hot line. Think of the pain you would just leave behind for your loved one's.My husband was not thinking of the Pain he was going to leave behind.He only wanted to kill his pain.Its a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
But the pain is left with the survivors and it is the worst pain I have personally felt in my whole life.
Some may see it as selfish and cruel what my husband did.
But I know my husband he was a good person.
He was trying to get rid of his pain and quit hurting the one's he Loved.
Maybe he felt it was the only way he wouldnt fail.
I don't know.But I do know I would of helped him in any way that I could of. I tried and tried again.
I feel miserable that I couldnt save him,if he just would of told me that morning. Mark I hate what you did,but I know you needed Peace.Until we meet again..Your wife ,Pam

A letter to Mark  

To the Love of my life,

who is now resting in God's hands;

Please help me through this pain

of trying to understand.

What was your heart thinking,

was it burdened beyond repair?

I can't believe my love for you,

wasn't enough to keep you near.

Are you in a better place now,

than here at home with me?

I just can't let you go Mark,

I just can't set you free.

I know I'll cry forever,

but I think I've earned that right.

My world has become darkened,

for you were my only light.

I love you Mark  
You will always be the Love of my life and I miss you so much.
The hurt is so unbarable ,I just want to wake up from this bad
dream. I remember you saying if I die first,you couldnt handle it.
But how did you think I could survive? I was not ready to say Good-bye!
Mark ,you were my soul-mate ,my best friend,my everything.
I miss you from every being within me.You didnt give me a choice in the matter,not fair. If it were my choice you would still be beside me.Love you,Baby. Your wife,Pam

From the window of my inner dream,
I saw the morning sun begin to rise,
Shyly at first, behind the hills,
Then boldly, as if taken by surprise.

I thought of words spoken long ago,
As I blew out the last candle flame,
Memory intermingled with desire,
A yearning to hear you say my name.

Lying awake waiting for this moment,
Willing the rising sun to light my way,
With yesterday buried deeply in my heart,
Left to face another long and lonely day.

©Dianna Doles Petry

The author of the following is unknown, but I think the words
scream volumes that may help those who are feeling guilty.

I have a responsibility to those I love...
to be loving, patient, considerate & kind;
to be loyal, respectful & honest;
to be appreciative, encouraging & comforting;
to share myself & care for myself;
To be the best possible "ME".
I am not responsible for them...
not for their achievements, successes or triumphs;
not for their joy, gratification or fulfillment;
not for their defeats or failures or disappointments;
not for their thoughts, choices or mistakes.
And not for their suicide.
For had I been responsible, this
death would not have occurred
More of his legacy...
Mark's Photo Album
Mark Bonilla Memorial Cross
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